“Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
1 Samuel 16:7
Most mornings of the week, I embark on my lifelong passion for swimming. Not the kind of swimming where people leisurely perform a relaxing side stroke from one end of the pool to the other and then get out. No, I swim miles and miles each week, training in all four competitive strokes – breaststroke, butterfly, backstroke, and freestyle. Most days, I show up with a workout plan printed on paper that I adhere to a damp kickboard. It serves as a perfect backdrop and directional tool for my morning training session. Every day, before I launch out into the water, I empty my equipment bag on the pool deck. My goggles, swim cap, water bottle, and underwater MP3 player loaded with upbeat Christian tunes are swimming staples for me. Then, depending on that day’s training agenda, I use other equipment such as a pull buoy, kickboard, paddles, short fins, and a front snorkel to enhance my time in the water. I swim hard, fast, and paced, leaving no room for workout regrets. At age 60, most days are more challenging than others, but regardless, I give my exercise regimen 100% effort.
Can I share a secret? When it really comes down to it, I have seen little benefit from all my hard-fought exercise. Oh, don’t get me wrong. The cardiovascular benefit I receive is great, but I’m talking about my outward appearance. What people see is an overweight woman whose body does not reflect all the hard work she puts in! How can this even be possible?
For a better understanding, allow me to move the calendar back about 10 years. I was in the best shape of my adult life. Fitness was very important to me. Not only did I coach a swim team and work part-time as a personal trainer, but I spent a lot of time personally training my own body in the pool and the weight room. I loved it. I suppose some might have labeled me as a lady muscle head! I loved the adrenaline rush, I loved competing, and well . . . I loved the way I looked. It felt amazing. But, suddenly, at around the age of 50, everything changed. I suddenly experienced the convergence of three separate health-related problems that totally disrupted my life.
First, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. Initially, the diagnosis was hard to believe because it didn’t start with joint pain. It started with extreme fatigue. After 2 weeks of suddenly just wanting to sleep all day, I headed to my doctor for help. After undergoing every blood test imaginable, the only abnormal result was the rheumatoid factor test. At the time, I believed the result to be a false positive, but I was wrong. Eight weeks later, the diagnosis became a reality when I woke up one morning with red, hot, swollen, stiff, and hurting finger joints. Thus began my challenging journey with rheumatoid arthritis.
About a year later, I accidentally stepped backwards off our backyard deck. I plunged about five feet, landing flat on my lower back on a concrete slab. I liken the moment to a slo-mo movie cut where not only is the visual part of the cut slowed down, but the audio is slowed down as well. “Oh-h-h No-o-o-o!” Long story short, in an eight-year time frame, I have endured 5 spinal surgeries. I am currently fused from T10 – L5. Sadly, I am now staring down the barrel of a gun at surgery number 6. This will result in an extension of my current fusion anchored down to my pelvis. This is a condensed version of this story and most certainly deserves a blog all of its own. Stay tuned for that!
Finally, slightly before the RA diagnosis, I oddly found myself gaining weight. It made no sense. How could a woman who was eating perfectly and filling every hour of her time with activity be gaining weight? Panic set in. As I watched the scale slowly rise and my body oddly change, I began responding to the weight gain in unhealthy ways. Instead of lifting weights once a day, I lifted twice a day. I would do a swim workout in the morning and then run 4-5 miles in the evening. I dropped my calorie intake dangerously low, hoping that I could jolt my body back to reality. Nothing seemed to help. I visited doctor after doctor, nutritionist after nutritionist, seeking answers, but all I walked away with was tears and hopelessness. I even started taking thyroid medication, hoping that the problem would finally be conquered. Nothing. Then, I began developing painful fat pockets on my lower legs, right below my knees. My upper arms felt like bean bags and became so large that many of my shirts would no longer fit. I seemed to be fighting a battle that I couldn’t win. The problem was . . . I had no idea what I was fighting! No matter what I did, my body seemed to have a mind of its own. I was so depressed and embarrassed. After much prayer and a divine contact with a friend, I was introduced to a condition called Lipedema. I learned that Lipedema is a connective tissue disorder that showcases abnormal fat buildup on both sides of the body. It usually shows up in the legs, but it can also appear in the arms and abdomen. It can cause pain and make daily activities difficult. In addition, it doesn’t respond to diet and exercise like ordinary fat. The condition is more common in women, especially women going through changing hormonal times such as puberty, pregnancy, or menopause. After learning about this disease, I immediately found a doctor who specialized in diagnosing and treating the condition. Because this physician was outside of my insurance network, I had to pay out of pocket for his expertise. Sure enough, I was diagnosed with Lipedema, fitting all the criteria for the condition. Diagnosing was the easy part. Little did I know that getting good treatment was a whole different story. Because of health insurance run-arounds and policy limitations, getting effective treatment has been nothing short of challenging. In total, I have used a lymphatic pump and applied compression arm sleeves/leggings to my body. I maxed out my lymphatic massage visits, and eventually I was approved by the insurance company to have a few liposuction and skin excision treatments. Were the treatments successful? Minimally. I certainly look and feel a little bit better than I did, but without a miracle, I will never be the fit, buff woman that I was. Because there are no cures for Lipedema, the fatty “bean bag” fat has the potential to grow back. Believe me, that reality has been hard to accept. Lipedema, like rheumatoid arthritis, has only treatments. There are no cures. So why did I just share all of this personal stuff with you? Well, this whole season of my life got me thinking. It made me think about the difference between our character and our reputation. You see, what truly matters is our character. Our character is what God sees. It’s who you are in secret. It’s what you do when nobody’s looking. In my case, my outward appearance (my reputation) might make people deduce that maybe I don’t take care of myself physically. My overweight, lumpy appearance is contrary to my claim to being a balanced eater and an active person, and thus, I might be met with skepticism.
I’m reminded of a story in the Old Testament. It reminds me of the fairytale, Cinderella. But this story is no fairytale! I’m sure most of you are familiar with the account. Samuel was instructed by God to seek out and anoint the next king of Israel, because God had rejected Saul as king. God told Samuel that He would direct and show him which one of Jesse’s sons would be the next king of Israel. Samuel finally arrived at Jesse’s home and asked Jesse to parade his sons before him so he could identify the chosen son and anoint the next king of Israel with oil. The text is pretty clear that Samuel seemed impressed with the outward appearance of several of Jesse’s sons, but God kept telling Samuel, “not this one”. Perplexed that none of the sons were meeting God’s criteria, Samuel asked Jesse if he had any other sons. Jesse responded by saying, “yep, the youngest son, but he just stays out in the fields watching the sheep and goats.” You see, immediately after the first son was presented to Samuel, God spoke to Samuel with these words, ““Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
~ 1 Samuel 16:7
I just love what God spoke to Samuel regarding David, “But the Lord looks at the heart.” Oh, how I love that! He sees me in a different light. My character, the part that God sees, knows who I REALLY am and what I REALLY do! My Father in heaven KNOWS me, and He knows the truth. He loves me with an everlasting love. So, if you are struggling today with being misinterpreted by others, please be assured that our heavenly Father knows your heart. Don’t let the opinions of others keep you from doing what you know is right! David wrote Psalm 139 with you in mind! Meditate on this!
Lord, you have seen what is in my heart.
You know all about me. You know when I sit down and when I get up.
You know what I’m thinking, even though you are far away.
You know when I go out to work and when I come back home.
You know exactly how I live.
Lord, even before I speak a word, you know all about it.
You are all around me, behind me and in front of me.
You hold me safe in your hand.
I’m amazed at how well you know me.
It’s more than I can understand.
How can I get away from your Spirit?
Where can I go to escape from you?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there.
If I lie down in the deepest parts of the earth, you are also there.
Suppose I were to rise with the sun in the east.
Suppose I travel to the west where it sinks into the ocean.
Your hand would always be there to guide me.
Your right hand would still be holding me close.
Suppose I were to say, “I’m sure the darkness will hide me.
The light around me will become as dark as night.”
Even that darkness would not be dark to you.
The night would shine like the day,
because darkness is like light to you.
You created the deepest parts of my being.
You put me together inside my mother’s body.
How you made me is amazing and wonderful.
I praise you for that.
What you have done is wonderful.
I know that very well.
None of my bones was hidden from you
when you made me inside my mother’s body.
That place was as dark as the deepest parts of the earth.
When you were putting me together there,
your eyes saw my body even before it was formed.
You planned how many days I would live.
You wrote down the number of them in your book
before I had lived through even one of them.
God, your thoughts about me are priceless.
No one can possibly add them all up.
If I could count them,
they would be more than the grains of sand.
If I were to fall asleep counting and then wake up,
you would still be there with me.
God, I wish you would kill the people who are evil!
I wish those murderers would get away from me!
They are your enemies. They misuse your name.
They misuse it for their own evil purposes.
Lord, I really hate those who hate you!
I really hate those who rise up against you!
I have nothing but hatred for them.
I consider them to be my enemies.
God, see what is in my heart.
Know what is there.
Test me.
Know what I’m thinking.
See if there’s anything in my life you don’t like.
Help me live in the way that is always right!
