A lot of what I learned about being a Christian I learned from my Dad. He was not a preacher, but his life spoke volumes on how a person should live as a follower of Jesus. My Dad worked for the same company for 36 years before his retirement. For as long as I can remember, he was a deacon at our church, and if there was a committee at our church, Dad was a part of it. He took his role as a servant of Jesus to heart. Every Sunday morning, Dad would rise early and leave the house before I was awake. He was providing rides to older elderly women who were members of our church. In 1989, when my Mom died from brain cancer, my Dad was always by her side constantly. He served and cared for her until she graduated from this earth. Then, after he retired from his job, my father became a Make-A-Wish volunteer. He took such satisfaction in helping fulfill the wishes of critically ill children. Dad was not a flashy person or someone who drew attention to himself. He was just there. He was the rock you could depend on. He was the port in a storm. He was the word of wisdom in the moments of confusion. He did all of this by pointing you to the truth of the Gospel and the love of God. But, if I was honest with you, the time in my father’s life that spoke volumes about his faith was the days leading up to his death.
In November 2021, my 91-year-old father was hospitalized with leg swelling. After a thorough examination, the doctors told us that Dad had fluid around his heart and lungs. He had developed congestive heart failure. We were told he only had a few days left. The family made hospice arrangements for him as Dad wanted to pass away at home with his family. The entire family gathered at his house and stayed with him till he passed away two days later. During those two days, Dad personally spoke with his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. He encouraged them, loved them, and blessed them. He would float in and out of consciousness, and when he was conscious, he would talk about seeing glimpses of Heaven and what it was like. He talked about waiting in a long line of people and asking them if it was his turn yet. One evening, my niece sang his favorite old hymn to him. As she sang “His Eye is on the Sparrow,” Dad suddenly burst into song, singing along with my niece. His face was beaming with gladness, and Dad’s hands were raised in the air. This was totally out of Dad’s usual character. Yes, he loved Jesus, but he wasn’t known for “belting out a song.” Dad definitely wasn’t someone who raised his hands in church. He was a conservative worshiper, but not on this day! Here, on his deathbed, he was in the presence of God Himself and was praising Him. Thankfully, someone in our family recorded this extraordinary moment in time.
Very late in the evening of November 19, 2021, my father took his last breath and graduated from this life into the next. I watched as his chest stopped moving and the breath left his body. Soon, his body began to show signs that his spirit was gone as his cheeks sunk in and his body transformed into someone I didn’t recognize. I have never felt such a mix of sorrow and celebration simultaneously. I was thrilled that Dad was no longer in pain, for now . . . he was finally home with Jesus and my Mom. Yet, among the joy of knowing his destination, I was overwhelmed with loss and grief. The next few days were blurry with funeral arrangements, Dad’s cremation, and a memorial service. To be honest, I had gone totally numb. I couldn’t allow myself to burrow deep inside my grief because I needed to be present for my sister, brother, wife, and children, who were all equally devastated.
In May 2022, Dad was buried next to my mom in her hometown of Purdy, Missouri. It was a time of closure for many of my family, but honestly, it wasn’t for me. I had fallen into a massive depression. The man who had been an enormous rock of stability in my life was gone. No one or thing could have prepared me for this moment. There was a gigantic hole in my life. I was coming to the realization that I was officially an orphan. My Mom had died in 1989, and now Dad was gone. I lacked purpose and drive in my life. Much to my wife’s frustration, I spent much of my time doing nothing important. Usually, what I would do each day is sit in my recliner, watch television, and stare out the window. Grief, loss, and sorrow ate away at my soul. I had little joy in doing things such as my woodworking projects. I had shared with my psychiatrist my depression and grief, but I knew something massive needed to change inside of me. I continued to pray, asking God to help me with my grief. I pleaded with Him to give me a renewed purpose. It did not happen overnight. I lived with this sadness, depression, and sorrow for months.
Then, one morning, I told God I needed to hear from Him. Opening my Bible at my dining room table, I began to flip through its pages till I landed on Psalm 34:18;
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Then I turned to Deuteronomy 31:6;
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Next, it was John 14:18;
“ I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”
Finally, I was led to Joshua Chapter 1;
“After the death of Moses, the Lord’s servant, the Lord spoke to Joshua son of Nun, Moses’ assistant. He said, “Moses, my servant, is dead. Therefore, the time has come for you to lead these people, the Israelites, across the Jordan River into the land I am giving them. I promise you what I promised Moses: ‘Wherever you set foot, you will be on land I have given you— from the Negev wilderness in the south to the Lebanon mountains in the north, from the Euphrates River in the east to the Mediterranean Sea[a] in the west, including all the land of the Hittites.’ No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you.”
- Joshua 1:1-5
God spoke directly to me at that moment. Dad was gone. Yes, this meant I was an orphan, but God would fulfill the role of “Father” in my life. He was going to be that rock I needed. It was time for me to rise up and take the position in my family that he (my father) was to me. I couldn’t continue to wallow in my grief. I was now THE Dad. I was now Papa. I just needed to be there. I needed to be the rock my family could depend on. I needed to be the port in a storm. I needed to be the word of wisdom in moments of confusion. The bottom line was simple: I wanted to emulate my father’s character and life by pointing my kids and grandkids to the truth of the Gospel and the love of God. I knew, though, that I could never do this in my own power. I am a fallible human, just as my Dad was. I needed to keep my eyes on the Lord for help. In the scriptures I read, I could hear the Holy Spirit reiterate to me that as He had been with my Dad, He was going to be with me. I just needed to listen to Him and follow His lead.
Since this time, my level of grief has lessened, and my depression has lifted. Sure, I miss my Dad tremendously, and yes, I occasionally burst into tears when I hear songs that remind me of him. Yet, as I stare into the smiling faces of my grandkids, I see hope. As I listen to my children talk about what God is doing in their lives, I know what my parents planted in me will continue in the next generation. As I watch my children raise their kids, I see they have learned the lessons their parents and grandparents have taught. All I can do is what my Dad did for me. He pointed me to his faith in Jesus through his actions and love for me. His words matched his lifestyle. Now, I am committed to doing the same for my children so that the story continues with them.
